People I’ve Had Full Arguments With… In My Head

The car is where I settle fights. Sometimes the shower too. Jenessa is my alter ego, and she settles my scores — just on a delay. There’s usually a gap between when someone says something offensive and when I think of what I should’ve said. Thanks to her, it can take me five to ten business days to get over a situation.

Like the time I was celebrating my birthday with Liam and a woman parked so close to my car that getting him into his seat felt like a gymnastics routine. I squeezed in, accidentally tapped her car door with mine, and apologized. She responded by swinging her door into mine. I yelled. Then I replayed the scene in my head for months.

Or the fall festival with the giant inflatable slide. Liam slowly climbed up, unintentionally causing a traffic jam. Another kid tripped, kicked, and pushed him out of the way. I raised my voice — louder than I meant to — and the kid looked startled. I couldn’t find his parents. For weeks, I worried about Liam being bullied and no one stepping in.

Then there was the free swing from our local Buy Nothing group. I was the first to comment, “I’m interested.” It went to someone else who said they could pick it up ASAP. I commented that it didn’t seem fair. A stranger jumped in to defend her. I’m not proud of how invested I became in that exchange. I’m still slightly annoyed.

I don’t always avoid confrontation. The issue is how I react to it. Jenessa is the calm version of me under pressure. She thinks before she speaks. She lets things go. She’s often drowned out by my emotional thinking — which is just me.

I don’t like feeling misinterpreted as weak. I have a need to defend myself and call out what feels wrong. But instead of processing it in the moment, I replay it later in the shower or the car.

And sometimes I wonder if the argument I’m really having isn’t with them — but with myself.